All Ya'lls Cars are Messed Up

I want to discuss this topic first, as this is what finally compelled me to document for the world the true extent of how shitty St. Louis is.  A few days ago, while inside at the gym, my innocent, helpless parked car was the victim of a hit and run by drunk driver.  While the damage wasn't terrible, I'm almost certainly going to need a new door, which really, really sucks.  Almost as much as St. Louis.

I've been to some places where cars have been routinely messed up.  The only way to avoid New York's notorious "Brooklyn Bang" is to not have a car.  North Carolina has been affectionately dubbed "the state of abandoned cars."  Quite literally, the same cars have been sitting on the side of the freeway for over a year now.  I've been to parts of Texas where the primary method of transportation is horseback, and even their cars were not as bad as St. Louisers'.  Hell, I bet the average vehicle in sub-saharan Africa is nicer than the average vehicle in the Downwind City.

And I think I know why.

I've never seen a culture with irreverence about drunk driving.  Driving while black?  Immediate ticket.  Driving through a red light?  $20 says there's another $80 going to the out of state company that collects for the red light cameras.  It seems like the bean counters at City Hall are out to screw St. Louisers, but never for drunk driving.

I was recounted a story about a float trip in which one heavily intoxicated participant decided that he no longer wanted to do whatever it is people on float trips actually do, and headed home.  For three hours, he drove back on the highway to his house across the river in the ill state.  The next day, he called his friends to ask why and how he woke up in his house - he was blackout drunk the entire way.

I was at a bar near my house and talking with some people I met.  As the bar closed and we started to leave one of them turned to me and said, "as long as you don't hit anything driving home the cops don't really care.  Especially because you're white."  Worse than that statement was the assumption that I was driving home - it is such a natural part of Loo City culture that drunk driving is not only allowed, but encouraged.

Ladies and gentlemen of Middle Amuricah, I would like to let you in on a little secret we on the coasts have been keeping from you.  When you drive drunk, shit generally gets messed up.  Maybe not every time, but drink and drive enough, and eventually something go smashy.  I'm not talking about a few beers and driving - that is entirely different.  But stop getting shitfaced and then behind a wheel.  Years ago, someone gave me the great advice that just because I can do something, does not mean I should.  Maybe if y'all St. Louisers exercised a little more restraint with your imbibe and drive habit, all y'all's cars would not be as dented, dinged and scraped as they are.  Any my car might not be messed up either.